Born November 16, 2012.
I was so excited when my water broke. I had been looking forward to this moment for
months. I was going to get to experience
bringing another person into the world.
I was going to meet my son after so many months of wanting to so badly
to hold him.
I had joked about my water breaking at work and it was
hilarious that that is actually how it happened. I think that the buzz that seemed to flow
through everyone was amazing and a little entertaining. I didn’t feel as though I was in labor yet
and was a little concerned that I had just peed my pants.
When my husband brought me home, I took a shower. My Ann stopped by to see me before she went
to work for a couple hours. Jamie and I
walked a mile to get contractions going and grabbed some food on the way to the
hospital. Everything was so
surreal. I felt so good though. I was so excited.
Patti came to the hospital and she and Jamie were my support
team. This is where things start to
become a little fuzzy. I was in my own
world as the pain with every contraction got a little worse than the one before
it. Jamie was my rock the whole time, I
could not ask for a better husband. I
know that my being in pain is a difficult thing for him to handle, but he did
and never once complained. We walked the
hallway a few times to encourage my labor.
Eventually we went back to the room.
Ann came, my support team was complete. I was still handling things at that point, but it was getting to be so
hard. Chris and Suzi stopped in, but I
can hardly remember them being there.
Then all I can think of was the pain.
I was unprepared. I was trying
not to be frustrated with everyone. The
pain was constant, there was no break. I
felt like I would never feel good again. I requested the epidural and felt failure creeping
from every pore. Failure and pain are
what I remember at that point. Then anger
for feeling like a failure. So anger and
failure and pain.
I remember the anaesthesiologist really well. I remember trying to hold still for him
through contractions while my nurse, Kim, held me. I really loved Kim. Then there was relief. It was an amazing moment.
I was surprised by how much I could still feel though. I was led to believe that epidurals would
completely numb me from the bottom of my ribs down. I could still wiggle my toes, move my legs,
and feel my contractions. I just wasn’t
suffering anymore. Not physically
suffering. I was still feeling the
failure and the anger.
I was 5 cm dialated when the epidural was administered. Those 5 cm took several difficult hours. I finally rested and napped and practically
jumped to 7 cm.
Julie came to visit. I’m really vague on that, but I was
getting some of the most amazing rest I think I have ever had. There was some Pitocin administered at some
point that I probably would have rejected had the exhaustion of earlier not had
me so very drowsy.
I felt so much joy when my Midwife, Charlene, arrived. I knew from the first time that we got
together with her, that I would enjoy having her as my Midwife. She had faith in me, she listened to me, she
answered my questions, she has never made me feel judged and put my anxieties
at ease.
Eventually I was feeling the pressure, uncomfortably strong
pressure. I was feeling an urge to
push. Not uncontrollable at that point,
but certainly there. Ten centimeters and
ready to go.
Things got hard again at that point. Pushing a baby out is hard work. I was in pain again, pain in my lower back,
but there is an amazing relief in pushing during this stage. I desperately wanted to be in a different
position, but in return for my blissful rest, I was bed bound. Jamie was my prince, Ann was helping to
count, and Patti was making sure to get the pictures and video I so desperately
wanted. It was difficult, but I felt the
support from these people around me and I was so very grateful. Charlene and Kim held my legs and coached me
in the beginning. There were times when
Jamie and Ann took turns as leg supporters.
We took a break from coached pushing. My pain was getting worse and it was
affecting my ability to push strongly while my urge to push was getting
stronger and almost impossible to control.
I wanted to use my bump-up-the-epidural button. Charlene and Kim warned that it may make it
take longer to push, but I didn’t feel as though I could push much longer
without it. It did not dull the pain too
much more, but was just enough to give me a bit more strength.
And then there was pushing… and pushing… and more
pushing. There was still pain. There was also still the relief of pushing
against the pressure. Charlene was now
massaging my perineum while I pushed. Gideon’s head was showing with every push. I know that I started to complain of the pain
when the “Ring of Fire” began. It is
amazing how numb you can be from the pressure on your perineum, but you can
feel the fire begin when your baby crowns and that stretch is held.
The crowning is amazing even with the pain. I had a mirror so that I could see what was
going on. I really can’t help but smile
when I think about this. I was so
happy. Labor had not gone as well as I
had hoped, but we were almost there. I
could see his hair. I was going to hold
my baby soon. We were finally going to
be the family I have been dreaming about since I found out I was pregnant. We were almost there and everything was going
so well.
Then everything went wrong…
His head emerged.
There were three loops of cord around his neck, while Charlene was
unlooping them, green waters started to gush, and then his shoulders got
stuck. I couldn’t push him out. Two nurses were on top on me, pushing on my
abdomen while Charlene tried to maneuver him out and I pushed with everything I
had. Charlene was yelling for
people. There was panic in her
voice. After what seemed like an
eternity, he was out an on my chest, then he was whipped away. A little blue body with limp limbs and no
voice.
I know I was crying for him.
I think I may have begged for him.
I wanted some confirmation that he was going to be okay. Jamie was in my ear telling me that he could
see him moving, I couldn’t see it. Jamie
told me that he could hear him making little noises, I couldn’t hear it. I wanted Jamie to go to him, but he couldn’t. My baby was dead, that was all I could think,
it was all I could feel. Gideon was
rushed to NICU and all I had been able to see of him were his little limp
limbs.
Charlene was attempting to help me deliver my placenta at
this point. There was something wrong
with that too. My placenta was large,
stubborn, and had calcification that indicated premature aging. I was given a strong IV pain reliever when
Charlene decided to go in after it.
After all of this, all I could think of is my baby. I wanted him so badly. I never got to see his face. I was not able to get up though. I was stuck far away from him. I wouldn’t be able to see him until I could
get out of bed. I felt dead.
Eventually a nurse came in and apologized for how things had
played out. She took Jamie to see our
son and get a picture to show me. Gideon
was alive and his skin wasn’t blue anymore, but he was still so far away.
As soon as I could possibly manage it, I went to see my son. He was so amazing. His skin was pink. He was fussing with his fingers. He was alive.
I kept reassuring myself of that.
My baby was alive. His skin was
warm and soft. His little chest moved
quickly with every breath. Everything
was going to be okay.
I married one of the most amazing people in the world. Jamie was a rock the entire time. Never once lost his cool. He supported me through every natural contraction. He supported my decision to have pain relief though he shares my mistrust of over-medication. He stayed calm while his son was also whipped away from him, so that he could try to hold me together. I think back on all the times that people giggled about how he would “faint” at the birth of his son, or lose his cool in some other way, and I get angry and want to write a list of people to smack.
Everything is going to be okay.
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